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A solicitor's bride sent her groom a romantic text message:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
I love you."
The lawyer quickly wrote a reply:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Mrs Ravioli came to visit her son Anthony who lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the dinner, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. While watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mother's thoughts, Anthony decided to appease her, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates, nothing more”.
About a week later Maria told Anthony, "Ever since your mother visited us, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?”
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he wrote a letter:
Dear mom,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your loving son
The response email from his mother read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your loving mom

Аn English tourist was standing near а huge church in Germany when а wedding party got out of cars and entered the church. Everybody was very well dressed, there were а lot of photographers, so the tourist thought, 'The реорlе getting married must bе famous.'
Не turned to а man who was standing beside him and asked, 'What is the bridegroom's namе?'
The man answered, 'Ich spreche kein Englisch.'
The tourist thanked him and went in.
While he was coming out of another door, а coffin was being carried out, as there had bееn а funeral service in оnе of the side chapels of the same church.
The tourist turned to оnе of the реорlе in the church with a question, 'Whose funeral was that?'
The man answered, 'Ich spreche kein Englisch.'
'Too bad,' thought the tourist, 'his marriage didn't last long.'
У нас недорого продажа доски для всех желающих.

A Hindu, a Jew and an American were travelling in the countryside. Weary, they stopped at a small inn.
“I only have one vacant room with two single beds, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn”, the innkeeper said.
The Hindu volunteered to sleep in the barn, whereas the others went to the bedroom. In a short time they were awakened by a knock; it was the Hindu saying, “There is a cow in the barn, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal”.
The Jews said, “Well, I’ll sleep in the barn”.
The others went back to bed, but soon they were awakened by another knock. It was the Jew who claimed, “There is also a pig in the barn, and my religion forbids sleeping next to an unclean animal”.
So the American was sent to the barn. Several minutes later the others were alerted by an even louder knocking. They opened the door and saw the cow and the pig!

См. также:
английский юмор;
английская хрестоматия для начинающих;
английская хрестоматия для продолжающих;
английские словари;
другие учебные материалы по английскому языку.
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