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Father (punishing his son for his poor school report): УBelieve me, Billy, it is more painful for me to punish you than it is for you.Ф
Billy: УBut not on the same spot, Dad.Ф

Schoolmistress: УWhen was Rome built?Ф
Schoolgirl: УAt night.Ф
Schoolmistress: УWho told you that?Ф
Schoolgirl: УYou did, madam. You said Rome wasn't built in a day.Ф

УDad, give me a penny.Ф
УSon, donТt you think youТre getting too big to be begging for pennies?Ф
УYouТre right, Dad. Give me a pound, will you?Ф

Mother: УWhat are you crying for, Tom?Ф
Tom: УTeddy hurt me.Ф
Mother: УIn which way did he hurt you?Ф
Tom: УI was going to hit him, but he had ducked his head so I hit the wall.Ф

УDaddy, buy me a drum please.Ф
УOh no, youТll play it and disturb me in my work.Ф
УNo problem, IТll only play when you are asleep.Ф

Mother: УYou have been complaining about stomach-ache all the morning, and now you are going to swim with your friends!Ф
Son: УThatТs all right, IТll swim on my back.Ф

Schoolmistress: УNow, remember that anything you can see through is transparent. Can you name something that is transparent?Ф
Little Nelly: УYes, madam. A keyhole.Ф

The father was in an awful hurry. He repeatedly glanced at the clock hoping he wouldnТt be late for work.
His little son who was watching him, said to the mother:
УMum, stop the clock, otherwise Dad will be late.Ф

УHow many voyages were made by Columbus?Ф the teacher asked.
УFour.Ф
УQuite right! And after which one did he die?Ф
УE-r-r... Sorry, sir, I've forgotten.Ф

Roy's school report was rather bad. His mother said, УI promised to buy you a bicycle if you learned better. What were you doing last term?Ф
УI was learning to ride a bicycle.Ф

Schoolmaster: УWhat is a statesman?Ф
Pupil: УA statesman is a person who makes speeches.Ф
Schoolmaster: УNot quite right. I, for instance, also make speeches, but I am not a statesman.Ф
Pupil: УYes, I know, but I mean a person who makes good speeches.Ф

It was a rainy summer. Two little London boys were in the country-side for the first time.
One of them saw some mushrooms. He did not know what they were and shouted to his elder brother, УLook what this awful weather is doing! It makes young umbrellas growФ.

Father: УMary, have you eaten all the candy without thinking of your little brother?Ф
Mary: УNo, I was thinking of him all the time! I was afraid he would come before I had finished them.Ф

A man who was walking along the street saw a little boy standing near the door and trying to reach the doorbell. The adult went up to the child saying, УI can help youФ, and rang the bell.
The next second the naughty boy whispered in his ear, УNow we must escapeФ, and ran away.

A teacher was giving a health talk to the class and warned her pupils not to kiss animals and birds. УCan you give me an example of the danger arising from kissing animals, Walter?Ф
УYes, Miss. Aunt Mary used to kiss her dog.Ф
УWell, and what happened?Ф
УThe poor dog died.Ф

A school inspector paid attention to the problem of the disturbance of work by outside noises. He visited a school near a railway.
The inspector was listening to a class at a reading lesson, when a noisy train went by. He stopped the girl who was reading and asked her, УDid you unconsciously raise your voice as the train went by?Ф
УIf I was unconscious of it, how can I tell you?Ф the girl replied.
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