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ДЕТСКИЕ АНГЛИЙСКИЕ ШУТКИ для I этапа обучения (I-II уровни)

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Mother: “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.”
Son: “Then let’s eat all the sweets today.”

Aunt: “Has your little sister already learned to talk?”
Billy: “Oh yes. Now we’re teaching her to keep quiet.”

Mother: “You naughty boy! I’ll send you to bed without supper!”
Son: “Well, what about the medicine that I have to take after meals?”

“Mum, where were you and Dad born?”
“I was born in Coventry, and Dad in Reading.”
“And where was I born?”
“In London, sonny.”
“Well, how did we all come together?”
“Daddy, can you write your name with your eyes closed?”
“Sure, my son.”
“Well, then, will you sign my school report?”

Schoolmaster: “Where did Admiral Nelson win his last victory?”
Pupil: “On page 127.”

“What is more useful?” asked the teacher, “the sun or the moon?”
“The moon”, one pupil answered, “for it shines at night when it is dark, while the sun shines at the daytime, when it's already light”.

“Harry,” said the teacher, “your composition is good, but Dick's is the same word for word. What should I think?”
“That Dick's composition is also good.”

Little Jennie and her father had quite a distance to go, and the latter asked, “Jennie, shall we walk or wait for a bus?”
“I’ll walk if you carry me, Daddy.”

Teacher: “Tony, come to the map and show us America.”
Tony goes to the map and shows America.
Teacher (to the class): “Now, who can tell me, who discovered America?”
Ned: “Tony did.”

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“Freddy, does your little brother talk yet?”
“No, he doesn’t need to talk. All he must do is to cry, and he gets everything he wants”.

A lady came upon her friend's son walking slowly along the street.
“Hurry up, Johnny!” she called. “It's already past nine. You'll be late for school.”
“That's all right, ma'am,” he said carelessly, “It's open all day long.”

Teacher: “Why don't you wash your face, Charley? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.”
Charley: “Well, what was it?”
Teacher: “Eggs”.
Charley: “You are mistaken, sir. Eggs were yesterday.”

Mother: “The little children next door have no mother or father, and no kind Aunt Caroline. Wouldn’t you like to give them something?”
Daughter: “Oh yes, mummy, let’s give them Aunt Caroline!”

Schoolmaster: “How can you tell whether a hen is old or young?”
Pupil: “By the teeth.”
Schoolmaster: “Nonsense! Hens have no teeth.”
Pupil: “But I have.”

Bobbie: “How old are you, Bessie?”
Bessie: “I am five, and mother says if I am good and eat everything I am given, I’ll be six next birthday.”

Teacher: “Douglas, if you have ten pennies in your pocket and you lose three, what do you have in the pocket?”
Douglas: “A hole, sir.”

Teacher (speaking of different seasons): “Who can tell me, when it is best to gather fruit?”
Pupil: “When the dog is chained up.”

The teacher tells the boys about a man who always swims across the river three times before breakfast.
Robert laughs.
“Don't you think that a good swimmer can do that?” the teacher asks.
“Yes, I do”, answers Robert, “but I wonder how the man gets his clothes if he doesn't cross river once more”.

“I see you are well again,” said the history teacher to a pupil who had been absent for a long time. “How long were you ill?”
“Since the Napoleonic wars, sir”.

“Andrew, your solution of the problem about shopping is wrong”, said the math teacher. “You must stay after school”.
Andrew glanced at his watch. “How much is the difference, sir?” he asked.
“Sixpence”, was the answer.
“I'm in an awful hurry, sir. Do you mind if I pay the difference in cash?”

См. также английский юмор, английскую хрестоматию для начинающих, английские словари и другие учебные материалы по английскому языку.